The Hardest Person to Protect Is the Person Who Fears Themself The Most

GO SPEED RACER GO!

Sat, 10 May 2008 06:21:28 GMT

So, I went with Toily to see Speed Racer in the IMAX. And it was great.

Because.

All toliy would say was, I have a surprise for you.

So we get to the theater and I'm like, what are we seeing? And he says, You'll see.

So, as u can imagine I'm so excited to know, I'm like what what what what is it!?

And he says "yo, are you bullshitting me, you really have no idea?" And I'm just like. "Seriously. None." I really truely didn't. I had forgotten that movie was coming out. So, he says "do you realise for the maybe 500 ppl here, ur prob the only one who doesn't know what's going on?" And I'm just like, isn't it awesome!?!

So when it all started I was joyus!! I yay'd, clapped, squeed with delight and it was a pretty decent movie.

Lots of shinny stuff, awesome races, funny fights, all around decent movie. It felt like I was watching a live action anime so I loved it tons. Toliy was sort of enthused. Oh well, good times were had. I'm hella sleepy.

I just wanted to share my awsome surprise. :)

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 09:58:49 GMT

WELL.

I'm sitting in airport. Leaving for FL. Truely exciting. Only gonna be there for two days, but all is good.

I'm ready.

Things...feel better between me and Tolushka.
I feel closer to him?

Me = happy.

He misses me. I feel like he loves me, but hasn't said it yet. And I'm nervous about that. I'm not ready. But now I feel like I will be!

Chenny way. Fl = exciting!

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 09:57:51 GMT

The MTA doesn't go there, and we all know that if the MTA doesn't go there, neither should you.

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 04:46:53 GMT

I dunno man.

Things are...weird. Im being so fake with toliy... I wanna be close to him, but its like, i dont.

Damn.
Im such a bitch.

Whatever. Im going to FL on friday.

Gonna chill. booze. And tan.

Fuck, if she got pregnant, I would tear that baby out with a fork!

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 21:24:54 GMT

I got something nice today....

Im in love with it. Its so buttery soft. Its the perfect size (i can fit books and things into it) and i love the scroll detail. Im so excited to wear it. I might wear it tom to school.

Im more excited to wear it in the summer with dresses and stuff.

Thats been the high light of my day.

I stayed home cuz ive felt like crap for about three or four weeks recently. And i havent gotten the any days to lay down and feel better. So, i skipped EMT class (i know, i feel like crap about it, but i feel physically more like crap.

I also have tons of readings to catch up on. So today is pretty much almost over and im still tired as hell. Read some philosophy and working on emt crap now...

I cant wait for may. Im dead tired and i need this to be over.

Peter made me said something very mean last night...and he knows i dont mean it. But, i know by saying it ive helped him. Is it right? Do i tell him, specifically that i didnt mean it? But by doing so i make him feel like crap again...

Ive already stuck to my guns...and ive said things so i can be played up as the bad guy and trashed about. And im not sure if i should stop it.

I supposed I should be preceived as the cold hard bitch, talked about, torn down because im not there...I know the things he might be saying about me he'd never say other wise.

He knows im none of those things...but yet. It makes him feel better. So, again. Is this right?

I love and care for him.
But. Im different now.

Wed, 05 Mar 2008 21:31:17 GMT

I'm ready to move now.

I've never wanted to live here in the towers. And 24,000 dollars later, I really wish I didn't.
I feel as though my parents wasted so much money. And its not like I asked them to do it. I begged them to let me live somewhere else...some place cheaper, some place where I could be alone...I don't get why they don't see I'm not like my sisters.

I have an urge to be alone. I'm much more responsible than them...I would like to be rewarded for the things I do, but I feel like I'm being punished.

I want to finish school. But instead I'm being put to work, and being told to do it myself. So I am. But...I just wish my family gave me the same options they gave my sisters. I wish they could see my gratitude towards them...

But. I feel so neglected. So, I in turn neglect them. Its a vicious cycle.

Sigh. August. And life will be better.

I swear.

Them Jews got it goin' on!

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 03:10:43 GMT

Why is that....all my friends dont have father figures?

And that they just so happen to lack disapline?

Jesus.

Peter doesnt know his dad.
Keyre would never want to see her dad (understandable.)
Anatoliys dad is moving out of his house and into the house of his "other family."

I feel so bad for...all of them.

I guess i sort of know how it feels for my dad to not be there for important moments. But i know my dad tried. And the reason he wasnt there was better for me and my family.

But for him to not be there at all. Ever. I think...id be so heart broken.

I have so much sympathy for Toliy, Keyre, and Peter.
I know how much they all wish their fathers to be there...

Sigh.
That kinda put a damper on my night.

But last night was fun.

I went to Pacha with Oleg. Ended up meet Toliy there, and took him home with me.

We took a cab together.
I really like Toliy.
He takes care of me.
And i know he likes me.
Because i insist on taking care of him.

Im kinda of afraid to get to close to him.
Because...it doesnt feel right. With Peter so near by.
But. Things between me and Peter....dont seem like they can be fixed.

He is doing things i never thought hed do...

But. I feel...unhappy about it.
he's trying to be what I wanted him to be. Not what he wants to be.

We'll see.

Ps...im so ready for my emt course to be over...

Pet Peeves

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 23:21:25 GMT

Colombia students.

Omg, I had the choice of every ivy league school! I have to meet my parents standards. School and ballet is my life! I'm in a sorority and I'm perfectly white. Who cares!? My parents pay for it!!

Ugh.

Shut up. Try not being handed everything in life.

Pet Peeves

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 17:33:13 GMT

When people buy wool coats, and don't cut the thread that connects the tails.

I know! And I told him that, and he goes, 'Oh! So that's why you're such a bitch!'

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 00:14:14 GMT

I hate that im so hard shelled.

And completely softie on the inside.

I hate how.

HE GAVE EVERYTHING BACK TO ME.

I mean.
EVERYTHING? WHY?

I hate how.
when im with you.
I never want to leave you.

I hate.

I hate you.

Im sorry. I didnt even realise it was the day before Valentines. I thought itd be good to do that before. Im sorry I waited so long. but i really do love your gift....

Im sorry you didnt take mine.

Im sorry Im such a shit tackular person. Im sorry your friends think im a cold hearted bitch.

I am.

And i will be toawrds you from now on.

I feel like going back to the way i used to be.

So closed.
Unfriendly.

I was never sad, because i wasnt missing anything.

Maybe i was better off....

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 07:58:27 GMT

Driving threw central park and in a cab that Oleg put me in.

Ps

He bought me the juicy bracelet that I wanted. Love it! Did not expect it at all. Mmmm.

When I told toliy that I was going with Oleg. Jealousy reared its ugly head. He wanted me to dress only nice for him. I wish guys would realise I dress nice for myself. Really I do.

But its nice how outgoing toliy is. I feel like we can do everything. And he's so cute. He says, I want you to rock me. And I wanna rock you. I feel so special. Like he cares about how much I put into me!

Chenny way, me and Oleg, cookie went to gurest house. Nice place, bad music. Whatevers. Just somthing to do. Glad I saw them. Don't really get to chill anymore. To much work and class.

Speaking of.

Its nice working with Toliy. I mean we don't talk an stuff, but we flirt. He winks at me or passes by and growls in my ear. I love it.

I'm worried, cuz I said I hated him last night and he said

"Yeah, I love you too." VERY seriously. Ummmmmmmmmm.

Not ready for love. Not soon. My heart still aches from Peter.

Speaking of again.

I'm seeing him tom.

Ughhhh. So scared.

I'm not sure wha(s going to happen.

Being kicked out of cab. G2G.

<3

What? Am I embarrassing you or something?

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 06:18:50 GMT

yeah. so i wrote half of what i was supposed to and just submitted it.

I really didnt want to do it.

Im so sick of SCHOOL.

Im so sad hearted.
I havent felt this way since middle school.
Hahah i even tryed to go back to my rocker dress.
Im so sad.

Sigh. What can i do? thisiswhatiwassupposedtodo.

Oh Peter. I loveded you so much.

I read this.
and instantly felt like shit.
Peter treated me like that.

I get so worried. Toliy....i dont know what to think of him. I sometimes wonder if hes just playing with me.....

ugh. boys.

tom v-day. and i have nothing. prob gonna be my own. I honestly dont care, im to busy.

but i might go get the Juciy Bracelet ive been crushing on.

who knows.

See the cars trying to run you over? That's 'vehicular traffic.' Get out of its way.

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 23:48:40 GMT

Its done.

I broke up with him.

I was tired of fliping with him.

And im sad.

But.

Ill move on.

Chenny way.

I dont feel like writting my philosophy paper.

This is the first assignment Ive never done.
I mean, i always do em.
If theyer late. By like one day.
I still do em.

Sigh. I dont know why.

I dont want to do my hair either.

Im so fucked up....

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 04:49:42 GMT

I'm fucking myself in the ass by doing this. But I set up a date with Peter.

Were going to the transit musume on Friday. :)

It was scary because I called him...and he said he was sorry for earlier (he had called me while I was in my emt class, and got really emotional with me, kinda pissed me off that he decided to do that then. But I also felt bad because it was my fault) and realised that we shouldn't be together anymore, we really aren't ment to be. I sort of agreed, but...I can't seem to just let go.

I'm stuck. I like Toliy, but I love talking to Peter. Talking with Toliy is torture. He's boring. But he has other things I need.
Toliy is super sweet, protective, strong, understanding, and I feel like he likes me a ton.
Pretty much everything Peter never did for me.

I feel bad because, Toily is gonna crack. I know if I tell him about this date, he won't want to be with me anymore. I guess he sees that I'm not as serious about us as he is. I wish I could be. I feel like I'd be so in love with Toliy.

But...

My life is nothing but bad timing.

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 15:53:34 GMT

Today...I found myself seriously thinking about moving back to fl.

I miss the beach.
I miss the perfect days.
I miss my car.

I miss it.

Time table wise? This time next year.

Its funny how I always manage to create a new goal for myself. I wanted to work beach, as a lifeguard. Done. I wanted my emt certz, I'm on my way to that. Now. I want my own car, my own apt. And then I want florida. Or maybe all three of those things at the same time? Sounds good to me. :)

Yeah, if I had said, 'Jump,' he would've said, 'How high?' That's how fucking hot I was last night.

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 20:03:54 GMT

Something i hate more than rude gay people.

Rude people who i used to date.

Peter needs to stop trying to guilt trip me. It'll never work. Ive got way more ammo than him for this fire fight. FUCK.

I hate when people try to make me feel bad, i fucking, ugh. Him doing that, make me never wanna talk to him.

Ever.

Ive been spending so much time with Toliy. Its NICE. And its like, HE WANTS TO. FOR ONCE I FEEL SPECIAL.

So. Boo on you for making me cry all the time. And i know you do it on purpose.

Jerk.

This is why i know we need to be apart. You dont understand relationships. And you need too. And i cant teach you.

BTW. I went to Atlantic City Sat. And sayed till 7am sun. SO CRAZY. OMG I WAS SOOO TIRED. Oleg, Cookie, and Jack won big. Good for thems. Ps: headline applied. I look so effin good.

Jack. Hmm, him. He was so excited to see me when i had changed. But, its like he doesnt want to act. He's like, WHOA ANJU! But doesnt put the moves on. He confusing. But i dont want him anymore. He was talking to some girl in the car, they are fighting. But be an ex or something...but point is that I DONT WANT. (well sorta, but i can see it being way to complicated for me.)

Thats all really. Im tired. But i have class. :( I wanted to take a nap. I was almost late for Philo this morn, i need some serious...sleep...

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 03:49:27 GMT

On my way to atlantic city wittttthhh...

Oleg.
Cookie.
Jack. :)

Working with toily is fun! I've pretty much seen him all weekend. I kinda like him a lot. We talked about the Peter situation.

And he's so understanding.
Caring.
Cute. :)
Sweet.

Sweeeetheart.

I might see him tom, after he gets off work. Ill be sleeeeping in late! Then playing super nintendo, and reading.

Hard monday ahead.

I'm happier.

I'm getting married. I want to have sex. Lots of it. Hot, steamy, nasty, married-people sex.

Wed, 30 Jan 2008 15:54:10 GMT

There's not much more about school I dislike then walking into a class room...

Only to see no left handed desks!

Southpaws exsist!

We do!

Ugh. Bitches...

Nah. We're still just using that dumpster out front.

Wed, 30 Jan 2008 00:26:17 GMT

What do you do when your dating a guy who can't give u what you want? The emotional hold, the skip of the heart beat? The happieness you once had from being held by them? When their kisses no longer make you happy?

You break up right?

Right?

So why doesn't it feel right?

Why do I right now feel the worst?

The worst of all worst? I feel like I should be fixing things...but even I realise that things can no longer be fixed. But I want them to be! I was so happy...what the hell happened?!

I'm not sure...but I know in my heart itd be a shame to continue this. I know I can't wait for him anymore. That the process will have to take place without me, because with me, its not maturing. I feel like me and Peter should be friends...not much else. I feel like he's the jokester I want, but not the man that I need.

I'm so upset.

I don't even want to go to my emt class...I won't be able to focus. Or maybe ill throw myself into work to feel better. That always works...

When my hands are cold, I just use my crotch.

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 16:13:05 GMT

:(

I failed my math test.

I WORKED SO HARD. IM FURIOUS. Why am i so stupid?! It feel like, im never going to get past like where I am. I study. I drill. I do everything. And I fail. ROYALY. not even a little bit, but a lot. I dont understand. I tried. so. fucking. hard.

I put everything into this math class. I havent been working, all ive done is study. I havent gone out, ive mathed. All day. For the past three weeks. And ive got nothing to show for it.

I dont get it.

If i put absolutly nothing into my work, its fabulos. Exciting. Amazing. A+.

But if i work. Think. TRY. Its the shittyest thing youve ever seen.
Fail.
Fail.
Fail.
Fail.
Fail.

I dont think ive ever failed a class.
Ever.

Supposed to being upsate later today. And i dont want to go anymore. What is there to celebrate? I SUCK. AM A FAILURE. BLOW AT EVERYTHING. CANT. DO.ANYTHING.RIGHT.EVER....

sigh...this has been a long new year....

im seriously.

feeling.

like dying.

Only light left in my life is the hopefulness of my emt course....

I am seriously debating just dropping out and being an emt.

why not? im never going to make it to medical school.
i cant do simple math.

Sigh. Maybe ill transfer to John Jay and become a medical examiner instead. because. i
really dont think im going to make it anymore....

loser. loser. loser.

Im still gonna take math 190. If im not forced out of it, im not leaving.

Although I'm pretty sure it says 'slut' in my medical file

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 06:13:25 GMT

UGH. OMG.

My phone is gonna give me a titty attack! Apprently i have not been reciving txts. My emails have rolled in slowly. And my phone on the whole is being a whore. Its really pissing me off. I pay 100bucks a month. Service should be better than this.

Chenny way.

Math is over tom. Test is at 2pm. I feel like ill do okay.

EMT course is set and ready. Start next tues. Im so siked.

Short vaca this weekend with anatoliy. Going upstate to play in some SNOOOOW. :) We havent gotten much in the city. Very :( worthy.

I met my roomates mom and grandmother today. And she said I was very pretty. So nice to hear. Especially from like the epittimy of super white, omg od make up women. Apprently shes rich. Whatever. Shes a rebel with out a cause. So I lol at her.

My other roommate has this guy sleep over like every fucking night. And he is snoring like a FUCKING ANIMAL and its keeping me up. Im so sick of it. They woke me the other night with thier sex, which was just, NASTY.

Whatever. Anatoliy is gonna hook me up with a job. And im concidering trying to model. Like. Seriously this time.

Ive started working out again, so I feel better about...everything.

Peter asked me today:
"Do you feel like youd miss out on anything if you choose me over him?"
"No, not really."
"Do you feel like youd miss out on anything if you choose him over me?"
"Yeah. Id miss out..."

I dont know why i never asked myself that question. Its so simple.

But then.

I thought about it.
And i realised.
I would.
Id miss out on the fairy tale relationship with Toliy, for the practical IRL relationship with Peter.

I dont know. I used to be so happy with Peter. But then. I just stopped. I just didnt want it anymore, because i was so sick of the little things that annoyed me. The little things that matter. The details that all guys just skim over.

I still dont know what to do.

He's such a fucking loser -- he just has to admit it.

Sat, 29 Dec 2007 19:02:42 GMT

Woot. Christmas was awesome.

My free time has been awesome. But im like...getting bored!

To bad, cuz i got just a message from Brian for like three days ago...:( Im glad i caught him before he went back to TX. I wanna chill with him, get drunk, and make out. Lol. I plan to see him tommorrow. Even though...i made plans with Toily. Who is turning out to be kinda sweet...

Mmm. I just had a fight with my new printer and I WON. :D

Now, i need a check. and a digi cam. highfive!

Wed, 19 Dec 2007 23:13:00 GMT

:( I'm such a failure. Im doing so bad. I did bad on eco, sure of it. I got in a fight with my art teacher. She's so harsh to me for no reason! Everyone in the room agrees with me. It makes me so upset. Sometimes I just don't know what to do...

She's pregnant and she's doing cocaine!

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 17:03:13 GMT

School is finally over! I didn't go to a few of my last class. :( disapointed in myself really. Registration has been hell. So many road blocks. But I'm sure I will progress and DISTROY this school. I will become a doctor you fucking wait and see.

Its michelles birthday and she's having a small party at Gonzalez Y Gonzalez. I invited Ian and am now regreting it. I thought I wanted to get close to him but... It was silly of me to think so. He's not so smart. Some what of a push-over. He is a sweet guy though. He bought me roses and lunch just last week. He always wants to see me. He tries to take all of my free time, but yet I have to remind me that I do infact have a boyfriend. I think he does that on pourpose thoguh. To test my feelings for Peter. Persistant I guess you could say. But there's...nothing there really. Peter is much more amazing. I love him so much. But yet they both do leaving yearning for something more. Neither is perfect I guess. I kinda, want that perfect guy. Will it happen? Ever? Courious indeed.

Toliy? Who knows. Haven't spoken to him in awhile. Cute, but again...not so much clicking. We never did have that second date though. So who knows. I'm going to call him saturday to see about him on sunday. So who knows.

Its snowing of sorts. Its supposed to get serious, but I think only time will tell.

There's this guy in the class with Manuale, older by far and he always smiles at me. So strange.

I can't wait for my EMT course. I've found the one I'm going to take, all that's left is signing up! I've got the monies and the time so here goes! After the training I'm going to see about doing a morgue rotaion, I'm dreadfuly excited! Ahhh things are looking up my dear. <3

Hey! Nice tits!

Sat, 08 Dec 2007 17:36:39 GMT

So.

Christmas shopping yesterday. Boo boo boo. I went to Macy's because i heard the New Years Ball was there till the 10th. I got my moms gift. And a pic of the ball.

It was pretty cool. So shinny. :D So i bought some Godiva chocolate for myself. Love love their truffles. Mmm. So, the only people left on my list is My Dad and Peter. Why are guys so hard? Im prob gonna shell out 200 bucks and put them in cards for them. I really cant think of anything else. Really. But that'll make me feel so shitty. I want to get them something that theyd really like. Also, i saw Santa walking down the street. It was kinda...weird. Things like that make this city bearable.

But yeah, Schools getting me stressed. Im writing a paper right now that was due yesterday. Im not ever writting it. I hate History so much. :( Gotta go to work later. Im so sad though. I just talked to Keyre and shes going and getting together with a bunch of people. I want to go so bad. Unfortunately I cant. I really hate life. Its so packed with surviving that i cant chill anymore. Everything i want to do cant fit into my sechedual. Its really annoying. Like i want to join the swim club at my school. Cant becasue i spend that time working. I want to chill with Keyre but even though we dont live that far, it is far. I wish I had a car. Lived where everyone i loved was a 5 minute drive away. I just. Ugh.

Lmao. Keyre told me she didnt know i had feelings. Its funny that i give that vibe off. Because its usually true.

Anyway.

Had a tooth removed.

For some reason i really miss...certain people. They used to make me laugh so much. i miss laughing. I havent seriously laughed in a while. All the people I have been seeing lately are...not serious, but they arent funny either. I just need a drink. Like. Bad.